Captains Welcome Cocktail Party

Aboard-ThursdayThe weather is OK out here on the sea mid morning, as you can see from the above photo; I didn’t do much today walked the ship exploring but that didn’t take long most of what there is on board is on deck eight Florie went to line dancing and a stretching class all of which she liked because she met other women to talk to; I sat in a dark quiet corner of the bar and made notes of those around me, though there wasn’t a lot to tell really, I went back to the cabin and entered the notes into my laptop, then rested my weary body until the light of my life returned to me pink faced and smiling as usual.  This evening it is the Captains Welcome Cocktail Party and, if you have not been to one of these on a ship before I can tell you, they consist of dressing up in formal clothes (A penguin suit for a man and a nice cocktail dress for a lady.) and then you wait in a queue for ¾ of an hour with about three hundred other passengers dressed just like you, and in between stopping people pushing in front of you, you make polite conversation with those around you, or as often happens you stand listening to ¾ of an hour of some fella bragging about his big job his big house his big car and big wife, but if you listen long enough some of them start to contradict themselves and then you find out that he lives, for instance, in a terraced house in Stockport (Nothing wrong with Stockport.) and that he has just retired and booked the cruise on receiving his payout.  After your ¾ of an hour’s wait your queue starts to shuffle slowly forwards until you get to a member of staff who needs to squirt your hands with sanitizer then you have a photo taken against a blue backdrop then you meet the captain (For 10 seconds while another photo is taken.) then you’re given a free drink to take into the chosen venue (The theatre this time.) and then you sit for another ¾ of an hour until the Captain comes in and officially welcomes you aboard on behalf of the company and the Captain and its crew then you go to dinner.

Is it my imagination at these cocktail parties, or do the largest ladies, who look lovely, always choose white or brightly coloured outfits to go in?  An attractive lady sporting a very dark suntan arrived in what can only be described as a white strapless wedding dress in a corset style, very tight from the armpits to halfway down her thighs then it enlarged into an expanding train about three feet behind her, a roll of flesh fell over the top of her dress at the top all round her, she was beautifully made up, but her makeup was lighter than her tan giving her a President Trump appearance under her mass of jet black hair that flared out from her head in all directions making her look startled, she had a voice as loud as a fog horn as she walked up the centre aisle looking for all the world like Danny La Rue!

If you are under 40 years of age or don’t come from the UK – Danny La Rue was a celebrity drag artist who even had his own TV show some years ago, he appeared in beautiful women’s dresses, wore immaculate ornate ladies wigs was beautifully made up but spoke with a low, man’s voice, in a London accent and was always Over The Top.

At dinner tonight in the restaurant a man and woman were sat in the next booth to us along the window wall, I didn’t recognise them and didn’t give it any thought, until about twenty minutes later when four people arrived late for dinner who normally sit in that next booth; well to cut the story down a bit the Maitre D came over with his lists and got their cabin number and yes they were in the booth they normally sit in but in the wrong sitting!  They should have been there at 17.45 not 20.15 the Maitre D asked them to move to our booth but he refused to budge, the four latecomers were stood near the entrance (If they had been on time this probably wouldn’t have happened.) still kicking their heels, an officer turned up and asked the man to move to another seat as he was on the wrong sitting and the people who should be there were waiting to have dinner, the old man started arguing and getting excited, eventually he stood up and stormed out of the restaurant leaving his poor wife to gather her things together and leave covered in embarrassment, the poor waiters had then to quickly re-lay the table with smiles and efficiency, the staff were the only people to immerge from this incident with their dignity entact.

As if the noisy vibrating cabin was not bad enough when I got in the shower tonight I thought how good it was, nice warm water at head height, but when I took the shower head down my body to genital height it turned scalding hot; the doctor says I will be able to start wearing clothes next to the burnt skin in a few days if I keep gently applying the cream she gave me.

Don in distress


A story in less than 100 words

The blood on the floor outside our cabin was the first clue our cabin wasn’t ready for us and when the door swung open a woman’s blood soaked body came into view.  A ships Security Officer was quickly by our side and he went into the cabin and bent down to see if the woman was alive; he heard a sound behind him, with trepidation he turned and opened the bathroom door, there stood a man defiantly holding a walking stick with blood on one end.

“What happened?” asked the officer.

The old man clenched his teeth staring at the officer and said slowly, “That’s the last time she pushes in front of me in the queue!”

About Don Graham 333

Word blind in one eye, bad tempered and only a broken pencil to write with, I don't stand a chance!
This entry was posted in Humour, Observations, People, Sea Diary and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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